Shehzad Ghias

Jul 122017
‘Yeh bik gayi hai gormint’

I am a lawyer who decided to be a comedian. I never thought my two worlds would collide so perfectly one day. I have used all of my legal knowledge and gone through the Joint Investigation Team (JIT) recently revealed report and now, I am going to translate it into Pakistani – a language all of us understand. The JIT was formed to find what the sources of funds are Translation: We wanted everybody to know conclusively how the Sicilian mafia works before making any decision. Hey – we are the Supreme Court – when have we ever taken haste in dismissing a government or legitimising an illegal government? We are completely independent of politics – look at JIT to keep you occupied! Hasan Nawaz. PHOTO: AFP The affidavits of Tariq Shafi are unreliable. His signatures are different Translation: How lazy are you man? If you were going to forge documents, you should have at least signed all of them yourself. You made other people sign! You truly do live like a king. The Ahli Steel Mills document does not exist Translation: Nawaz Sharif claims his dog ate his office work. Tariq Shafi said Shehbaz Sharif was involved. Shehbaz Sharif said he was not involved Translation: Aah… another case of he said, Shah said – Shehbaz Sharif is lying and trying to ensure he does not go down with his brother. He is building an underpass for himself to get out of this flood but he will drown with the [Read More…]

Jun 192017
‘Haan Bhai…saray hee har gaye phir!!!’

There was something different about the latest Pakistan and India fixture right from the beginning. The usual animosity was replaced with relative geniality. Saurav Ganguly was defending Pakistan against Amir Sohail’s comments, Indians were standing up for Sarfaraz Ahmed against people making fun of his English and most Pakistanis were simply glad to be in the final – let alone think about winning it. Things were so calm; Sarfaraz Ahmed even gave MS Dhoni his baby. PHOTO: FACEBOOK.COM/SHEHZADGS Everybody knew that India was going to win it and Pakistan was simply there to complete the formality of playing the finals of the Champions Trophy. The entire nation expected the worst when Fakhar Zaman nicked a ball outside his off stump for a regulation catch for MS Dhoni and he held on to the ball like it was Sarfaraz Ahmad’s baby. PHOTO: FACEBOOK.COM/SHEHZADGS But then everything changed – Indians showed that they also had no balls and Fakhar Zaman got a free hit instead of a lot of free s**t from fans. Boy! Did Fakhar Zaman make the most of the respite? Even Azhar Ali was hitting the ball all over the park. At one point, Azhar had 29 of 32 balls and Fakhar Zaman had 16 of 29 balls – finally proving the multiverse theory as clearly this match was being played in some parallel alternative universe. Jasprit Mumrah, wait no Bumrah, could not do much with the ball but he managed to get Azhar Ali run out. Was a [Read More…]

Nov 102016

Early Wednesday morning Hillary Clinton graciously accepted her loss and urged Americans to unite behind president-elect Donald Trump to ensure a smooth transfer of power. Watching democracy work was surprising to many Pakistanis but one man, conveniently snuggled up in a blanket in Islamabad, wanted to do something about it. Defying all odds, Donald Trump becomes 45th president of the United States We have received information from confirmed sources within our imagination that yesterday evening a call was made from Bani Gali to the Clinton headquarters in New York. Hillary’s receptionist picked up the phone and transferred it to Hillary under the impression that an actor from Bollywood had called her. What followed was a 27-minute direct conversation between Imran Khan and Hillary Clinton in which Khan outlined a strategy for Hillary to follow to ensure a path to the White House. After the phone call Hillary was seen pacing around repeating one word over and over again: Dhandli. DJ Butt has flown to New York in an emergency special flight to aid Hillary’s campaign. Rahat Fateh Ali Khan is already working on his new song, “Saaf chalee shafaf chalee, pant suit pahen kar Hillary chalee.” In a stunning turn of events, Hillary has rescinded her concession and is now looking to force the Supreme Court to open the four key states of Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Plasma for a revote. Hillary told the reporters, “If Trump is so confident, why does he not ask the Supreme Court to open [Read More…]

Sep 152016
Science proves Pakistan has greatest cricket team

Science has conclusively proven Pakistan has the best cricket team in the world. No other cricket team is capable of conceding 444 runs in 50 overs without feeling an ounce of shame. At this stage, any news of spot-fixing will be a welcome relief for cricket fans in Pakistan. Virat Kohli was on the brink of becoming a citizen of Pakistan after our cricket team beat India to the top of the test rankings, but I was only able to personally message 7,310 Indians the news before our ODI performances started. I strongly condemn the anti-Pakistan Zionist cult leader Mark Zuckerberg for banning me from Facebook just because I abused 7,310 people. If I cannot post hateful messages against India after Pakistan wins then what is the point of cricket anyway? Nobody is watching the same game for five days for entertainment purposes. If our performances in test matches are like a love marriage, which despite its bumps and bruises is worth in the end, our performances in ODIs are like an arranged marriage with our phuppo ki beti whose occupation on Facebook is ‘Princess at Daddy’s lil princess’. Sure, it is still a marriage but you cannot publicly acknowledge your wife. PHOTO: REUTERS Similarly statuses of “What is cricket? Our national game is hockey” have gone up after our latest debacle in England. Last time a Pakistani delegation performed this poorly in England, Congress had taken control of the sub-continent as a result. Our players seemed to do as [Read More…]

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